Perspective

Costa Rica 2001

She lives her life alone. Passes her days in the company of others but is lonely most of the time. It is not the physical presences of a person that keeps us from being alone, it is the connection. It is the exchange of energy between people that makes us feel needed and wanted. It is that exchange of energy that makes life worth living; without it, we are nothing but empty shells floating in a world of exclusiveness.

She has trouble connecting. She finds it easy to share her energy with others, but has not found a source of energy for herself. She feels as though there is no one else in the world like her. She knows that is not true.

The world can be an incredibly isolating place. There are so many people in the world who do not connect, who segregate and remove themselves- how do they live everyday?

There are so many questions without answers.

She lives her life constantly thinking, wondering, questioning. On the outside, she appears to have everything under control. People approach her to learn more, to find the secret. She doesn’t know. She lives her life full of doubt, full of unanswered questions. She knows what people see in her but has no idea why or how she came to be that way. People see her as a wonderful person; open, friendly, honest. They see her as someone they can share things with. Someone they can learn from; someone to be respected and listened to. She has not idea why. She does not ask for their respect or attention. She teaches them, but who teaches her? Who are her role models? Who can she turn to when she needs to learn, when she needs to talk, when she needs to feel understood?

Maybe she is wrong about the situation. Maybe she is conceited and thinks too highly of herself.

What if she isn’t special? What if she is just like everyone else and somewhere along the way she created the idea that she was different? What if she’s just a snob and has placed herself above everyone else without justification? Other people would say there’s no way she’s a snob. She’s too nice. She’s everyone’s friend. She wishes she could be normal, but doesn’t really mean it. She wants someone to share her life with.

She works with a group of people. She is a leader. She knows that she is a good leader. She has set up the group so that they can be successful. She has organized things, played games, had talks. She knows that the success of the group is partially due to her skills as a leader. However, now that the group is established and running well, she feels alone. She is jealous of what she created. They all get along so well. They laugh and joke and have fun. She sits on the outside watching as though through a widow. She doesn’t know how to just be happy, how to sit back and relax. She needs to feel needed.

She doesn’t know how to entertain herself. She doesn’t find herself that interesting. That might be one of her problems. She wishes that she could be more entertaining, more enthusiastic, more energetic. She has her moments where she comes to life, but she knows that she is quiet and sits in the background. Do people notice if she’s missing? If she were to disappear from the earth, would anyone notice? Her family, of course, but who else? She has done nothing important or of significance in her life. There is no one who is dying to spend time with her. People don’t seek her out in a crowd. She is quite often alone. Sometimes she feels as though she could fade into the furniture and just disappear. She quite often has nothing to add to the conversation. She has no stories to tell, no jokes to share. She stands silent, in her not so attractive body, watching and observing, living life vicariously through other people.

She has known love. Her family loves her and supports her in everything she does. They also use her. They use her as an excuse to continue to live in their own personal hell. They use her as a mediator to quiet the silent war waged between them. They use her in so many ways that she doesn’t know how to help them. She loves them but she knows they are unhappy. She wants them to let go, to grow up.

She has had boyfriends. She knows physical love but does she know spiritual love? Her relationships have been based on physical attraction. She craves spiritual love. She wants to have someone she can share with, someone who will understand, someone like her. Is she asking too much? She often feels alone, unloved, unwanted. She feels ugly. She feels as though she’s destined to wander alone, lost, without a goal or passion. She doesn’t know what she wants to do with her life, where to go or how to live. She knows that she isn’t the only one who feels this way. She knows that she isn’t alone, but is that really a comfort? Does knowing that there are a million people out there as lost as she is really help? It only means that as a race of people we have created a world in which it is very hard for us to be happy. We have lost touch with what our souls really want and most people can’t hear the voice inside them that is crying and screaming to be listened to. Is she lucky that she can hear the voice inside her? Does that voice save her from living a life of unhappiness or does is complicate her life by forcing her to live outside the box? Would she be happier being complacent? Is ignorance bliss? Does everyone else have it right and she is just making her life more complicated than it needs to be? She doesn’t think so. She knows that the changed she’s made in her life have been good ones. She knows that she’s more in touch with who she is and what she needs to be happy. She knows that she listens to her inner voice and tries to follow its advice whenever she is strong enough to do so. This has improved her relationships with other people and has made her more comfortable with herself. But she feels this is not enough. She wants and needs more. What is the next step? How does she progress beyond where she is now? She has learned a lot on her own, but now she needs a teacher. She needs someone to guide her. That person has yet to reveal themselves but they will. She needs only to be patient; to learn lessons as they appear and to keep herself open to the opportunity to learn. If she is open to the experience, it will present itself. Patience and openness are the keys that will open many doors.