Limits

July 2001
Costa Rica

Everyone has limits. Limits to how much time they can spend with other people. Limits to the amount of work they can do, to their tolerance and patience. The past 8 months have pushed me to my limits in every way possible. I have lived with at least four other people for 8 months having very little time to myself. I have been away from my friends and family, and while I have met some truly wonderful people, not have my core support network has been difficult. I have lot my patience, have had times where I just didn’t want to be understanding and I think there were even times when I was mean. I have seen sides of my personality that I knew existed, but in the past, had always been able to control. I have learned a lot about myself, who I can be and hope that I remember the lessons I have learned.
I spent some of my time here trying to force parts of my personality, trying to bring out parts that exist within me but that aren’t the most prevalent. While it is good to experiment with who you are and to try to develop different parts of yourself, you should never force it. You should always try to be true to how you feel and who you are at any given time.
I have learnt that if you have an open mind, and an open heart, every person that you meet has something to teach you. However, sometimes it is really hard to interact with some people because you can’t see the lesson you’re supposed to learn or the person’s personality makes it difficult to hear the message they are sending. What’s important to remember is that even the people you least expect to learn from have something to teach you. On the flip side, maybe you are there to teach them. You need to give people the opportunity to learn. Give people the space that they need and they will learn without you telling them.
I have learnt that I have a hard time learning new languages. I don’t know if I ever really wanted to learn. I find that I have learnt more and feel more comfortable, but I still don’t feel completely comfortable in Spanish. I have no idea what is holding me back or why, that is something I still need to explore. Maybe my problem is not so much the language, but that I have a hard time interacting with people I don’t know and interacting in a second language just makes that even more difficult. I am a quiet, reserved person who doesn’t go out of her way to interact with people.
For the first time in my life, I feel the desperate need to be absolutely, utterly and completely alone. I have walked out to the middle of a cow field and am sitting enjoying the breeze, finding peace in solitude. I think that maybe this is something the project has taught me- how to enjoy being alone with myself, who I am, how I relate.
I have become too confident- cocky even. I need to be self assured but not to the point where I am obnoxious about it. I need to be open to new experiences. I need to be less reserved and cautious.
I need to throw out these pages and live life, not analyze it.
I need to learn patience, tolerance and understanding.
I need to accept love from wherever it comes.