Leadership and myself

June 2001, Costa Rica

I am here, at a beautiful beach full of wonderful and interesting people, yet I choose to be alone. There have been opportunities that, with the slightest of efforts, I could have connected with someone, but have decided not to.
I think that I am afraid to be happy. Or maybe I am afraid of rejection but, I think that it is more because there are so many people in the world that I have trouble relating to; that I have no idea how to talk or make conversation with them. I can get things things started, have the first small conversations but after that, I am lost. In an overwhelming social situation where there are a lot of people, I have no chance. I lost all self confidence and can’t speak. Add to that the fact that I am in a Spanish speaking country and there’s no chance. It scares me too much.
But why haven’t I tried to connect with any of the women here? I think that’s probably because they are all so self-confident and beautiful. I find them intimidating and it leaves me sitting here, along, watching the world, as usual not connecting.
I used to at least be a person that other people could come to when they had a problem; someone with patience and compassion. I have lost that here. Maybe it’s because I am overtired or overstretched. Maybe I’ve been living and taking care of others for too long and now need some time to be alone. I don’t know why or how, but what I do know is that I don’t like who I am right now. I am hard and unwelcoming. People do not feel comfortable around me and that’s awful. What happened to who I was? That nice person who everyone liked to be around is gone. I think that she’s on a vacation and needs to come home.
Here I am in Costa Rica and I can’t relax. I should stop worrying about what might happen and just do things. I am responsible for other people, but I need to let them make their own mistakes. If someone wants to spend all their money, let them. If people want to walk around exploring, let them; give them the freedom they want. Being too constrictive only makes people want to break the rules. Make the rules flexible and they will bend to stay within them. Remember to say “yes” to as many things you can. The more you say “no” the more things they’ll ask for, the more they’re going to push to be free. Put a dog in a cage and all it wants is to get out. Give them freedom and deal with the consequences and that way they will learn. If they don’t experience it, they will not learn.