Friendship

Dec 1999

I know that to give is the only way to receive. I know the joy I feel when I can bring a smile to someone’s face and the wonderful feeling of being there when a friend is in need. I love being a listener, letting people talk, to help them discover the answers. I know that I listen well because I listen a lot. People constantly seek me out to do so. Yet, it feels as though there is no one to listen to me. I have a well established network of friends who would sit and listen to my problems if I told them, but that would require that I know what my problems are.

I think that one of those problems is that I’m a loner. I quite often feel that I’m intruding on the world. I sometimes feel as though I’m trying to live life through the lives of my friends.

I am always the one who calls my friends. They very rarely call me. Don’t get me wrong, I came to the realization long ago that I would be the one to keep many of my friendships alive. I ask though, how do I know when I’ve gone too far and become a bother, a pain; someone that people dread calling back? Will I be perceptive enough to know or will I be so desperate for love and attention that I will be blinded? That, I think, is another of my problems. I am a person who needs to be surrounded by people who I can love and lavish attention on. I need people to love and to give me attention. But, not too much attention for I cannot be with any one person for too long because I find that I give too much energy to that person and do not receive enough energy back. Eventually that becomes emotionally and spiritually draining. I need to find my own source of energy- my passion. I need to invest my energy in myself through art and exercise. I know that theses are the answers. The question is do I have the drive and determination to start something new? Only time will give me the answer.