Reflections

July 2001
Costa Rica

If I could create my life, what would it look like? I would be happy and healthy. I would be surrounded my people who enjoyed my company and like me for who I was. I would spend my days doing things I enjoyed and would live without regret. I would follow my heart and be true to my voice. I would know love and give it freely. I would have passion in my life and a goal that I worked toward. I would be driven to achieve.
In my perfect life, I would live very much as I do now. I might talk to my friends a little more than I do now, and I might have more money in the bank but I am pretty much where I want to be. I am not sure where my current doubts are coming from, but I think it has to do with being away from home for so long and living with so many other people. I am no longer grounded. All of my normal reflecting points are not available so, I am judging myself from the reactions of people. I am reflecting within myself and like a prism, the light is bouncing from surface to surface. I need to find someone to be a mirror so I can truly see.

Space

July 2001
Costa Rica

Space is a relevant term. You could be miles away from someone and still feel as though they are right there beside you. Or, you can be touching someone and they can feel so far away that they are unreachable. What is it about me that makes me so untouchable? Or is it that being touched scares me? Am I afraid of accepting love? I have been hurt before. Does that subconsciously make me avoid closeness? Or is it that I chose men I can’t have? Do I set my standards too high? In some ways I have accepted that destiny will bring whatever she will bring and that my job is to live my life to its fullest. If it is meant to be, it will be.

My time will come.

Limits

July 2001
Costa Rica

Everyone has limits. Limits to how much time they can spend with other people. Limits to the amount of work they can do, to their tolerance and patience. The past 8 months have pushed me to my limits in every way possible. I have lived with at least four other people for 8 months having very little time to myself. I have been away from my friends and family, and while I have met some truly wonderful people, not have my core support network has been difficult. I have lot my patience, have had times where I just didn’t want to be understanding and I think there were even times when I was mean. I have seen sides of my personality that I knew existed, but in the past, had always been able to control. I have learned a lot about myself, who I can be and hope that I remember the lessons I have learned.
I spent some of my time here trying to force parts of my personality, trying to bring out parts that exist within me but that aren’t the most prevalent. While it is good to experiment with who you are and to try to develop different parts of yourself, you should never force it. You should always try to be true to how you feel and who you are at any given time.
I have learnt that if you have an open mind, and an open heart, every person that you meet has something to teach you. However, sometimes it is really hard to interact with some people because you can’t see the lesson you’re supposed to learn or the person’s personality makes it difficult to hear the message they are sending. What’s important to remember is that even the people you least expect to learn from have something to teach you. On the flip side, maybe you are there to teach them. You need to give people the opportunity to learn. Give people the space that they need and they will learn without you telling them.
I have learnt that I have a hard time learning new languages. I don’t know if I ever really wanted to learn. I find that I have learnt more and feel more comfortable, but I still don’t feel completely comfortable in Spanish. I have no idea what is holding me back or why, that is something I still need to explore. Maybe my problem is not so much the language, but that I have a hard time interacting with people I don’t know and interacting in a second language just makes that even more difficult. I am a quiet, reserved person who doesn’t go out of her way to interact with people.
For the first time in my life, I feel the desperate need to be absolutely, utterly and completely alone. I have walked out to the middle of a cow field and am sitting enjoying the breeze, finding peace in solitude. I think that maybe this is something the project has taught me- how to enjoy being alone with myself, who I am, how I relate.
I have become too confident- cocky even. I need to be self assured but not to the point where I am obnoxious about it. I need to be open to new experiences. I need to be less reserved and cautious.
I need to throw out these pages and live life, not analyze it.
I need to learn patience, tolerance and understanding.
I need to accept love from wherever it comes.

Leadership and myself

June 2001, Costa Rica

I am here, at a beautiful beach full of wonderful and interesting people, yet I choose to be alone. There have been opportunities that, with the slightest of efforts, I could have connected with someone, but have decided not to.
I think that I am afraid to be happy. Or maybe I am afraid of rejection but, I think that it is more because there are so many people in the world that I have trouble relating to; that I have no idea how to talk or make conversation with them. I can get things things started, have the first small conversations but after that, I am lost. In an overwhelming social situation where there are a lot of people, I have no chance. I lost all self confidence and can’t speak. Add to that the fact that I am in a Spanish speaking country and there’s no chance. It scares me too much.
But why haven’t I tried to connect with any of the women here? I think that’s probably because they are all so self-confident and beautiful. I find them intimidating and it leaves me sitting here, along, watching the world, as usual not connecting.
I used to at least be a person that other people could come to when they had a problem; someone with patience and compassion. I have lost that here. Maybe it’s because I am overtired or overstretched. Maybe I’ve been living and taking care of others for too long and now need some time to be alone. I don’t know why or how, but what I do know is that I don’t like who I am right now. I am hard and unwelcoming. People do not feel comfortable around me and that’s awful. What happened to who I was? That nice person who everyone liked to be around is gone. I think that she’s on a vacation and needs to come home.
Here I am in Costa Rica and I can’t relax. I should stop worrying about what might happen and just do things. I am responsible for other people, but I need to let them make their own mistakes. If someone wants to spend all their money, let them. If people want to walk around exploring, let them; give them the freedom they want. Being too constrictive only makes people want to break the rules. Make the rules flexible and they will bend to stay within them. Remember to say “yes” to as many things you can. The more you say “no” the more things they’ll ask for, the more they’re going to push to be free. Put a dog in a cage and all it wants is to get out. Give them freedom and deal with the consequences and that way they will learn. If they don’t experience it, they will not learn.

Perspective

Costa Rica 2001

She lives her life alone. Passes her days in the company of others but is lonely most of the time. It is not the physical presences of a person that keeps us from being alone, it is the connection. It is the exchange of energy between people that makes us feel needed and wanted. It is that exchange of energy that makes life worth living; without it, we are nothing but empty shells floating in a world of exclusiveness.

She has trouble connecting. She finds it easy to share her energy with others, but has not found a source of energy for herself. She feels as though there is no one else in the world like her. She knows that is not true.

The world can be an incredibly isolating place. There are so many people in the world who do not connect, who segregate and remove themselves- how do they live everyday?

There are so many questions without answers.

She lives her life constantly thinking, wondering, questioning. On the outside, she appears to have everything under control. People approach her to learn more, to find the secret. She doesn’t know. She lives her life full of doubt, full of unanswered questions. She knows what people see in her but has no idea why or how she came to be that way. People see her as a wonderful person; open, friendly, honest. They see her as someone they can share things with. Someone they can learn from; someone to be respected and listened to. She has not idea why. She does not ask for their respect or attention. She teaches them, but who teaches her? Who are her role models? Who can she turn to when she needs to learn, when she needs to talk, when she needs to feel understood?

Maybe she is wrong about the situation. Maybe she is conceited and thinks too highly of herself.

What if she isn’t special? What if she is just like everyone else and somewhere along the way she created the idea that she was different? What if she’s just a snob and has placed herself above everyone else without justification? Other people would say there’s no way she’s a snob. She’s too nice. She’s everyone’s friend. She wishes she could be normal, but doesn’t really mean it. She wants someone to share her life with.

She works with a group of people. She is a leader. She knows that she is a good leader. She has set up the group so that they can be successful. She has organized things, played games, had talks. She knows that the success of the group is partially due to her skills as a leader. However, now that the group is established and running well, she feels alone. She is jealous of what she created. They all get along so well. They laugh and joke and have fun. She sits on the outside watching as though through a widow. She doesn’t know how to just be happy, how to sit back and relax. She needs to feel needed.

She doesn’t know how to entertain herself. She doesn’t find herself that interesting. That might be one of her problems. She wishes that she could be more entertaining, more enthusiastic, more energetic. She has her moments where she comes to life, but she knows that she is quiet and sits in the background. Do people notice if she’s missing? If she were to disappear from the earth, would anyone notice? Her family, of course, but who else? She has done nothing important or of significance in her life. There is no one who is dying to spend time with her. People don’t seek her out in a crowd. She is quite often alone. Sometimes she feels as though she could fade into the furniture and just disappear. She quite often has nothing to add to the conversation. She has no stories to tell, no jokes to share. She stands silent, in her not so attractive body, watching and observing, living life vicariously through other people.

She has known love. Her family loves her and supports her in everything she does. They also use her. They use her as an excuse to continue to live in their own personal hell. They use her as a mediator to quiet the silent war waged between them. They use her in so many ways that she doesn’t know how to help them. She loves them but she knows they are unhappy. She wants them to let go, to grow up.

She has had boyfriends. She knows physical love but does she know spiritual love? Her relationships have been based on physical attraction. She craves spiritual love. She wants to have someone she can share with, someone who will understand, someone like her. Is she asking too much? She often feels alone, unloved, unwanted. She feels ugly. She feels as though she’s destined to wander alone, lost, without a goal or passion. She doesn’t know what she wants to do with her life, where to go or how to live. She knows that she isn’t the only one who feels this way. She knows that she isn’t alone, but is that really a comfort? Does knowing that there are a million people out there as lost as she is really help? It only means that as a race of people we have created a world in which it is very hard for us to be happy. We have lost touch with what our souls really want and most people can’t hear the voice inside them that is crying and screaming to be listened to. Is she lucky that she can hear the voice inside her? Does that voice save her from living a life of unhappiness or does is complicate her life by forcing her to live outside the box? Would she be happier being complacent? Is ignorance bliss? Does everyone else have it right and she is just making her life more complicated than it needs to be? She doesn’t think so. She knows that the changed she’s made in her life have been good ones. She knows that she’s more in touch with who she is and what she needs to be happy. She knows that she listens to her inner voice and tries to follow its advice whenever she is strong enough to do so. This has improved her relationships with other people and has made her more comfortable with herself. But she feels this is not enough. She wants and needs more. What is the next step? How does she progress beyond where she is now? She has learned a lot on her own, but now she needs a teacher. She needs someone to guide her. That person has yet to reveal themselves but they will. She needs only to be patient; to learn lessons as they appear and to keep herself open to the opportunity to learn. If she is open to the experience, it will present itself. Patience and openness are the keys that will open many doors.

Loss of direction

April 02, 2000

There has always been a force pulling me, drawing me in one direction or another. Opportunities have always presented themselves at exactly the right time. I have never been lost- until now.

May 21, 2001

I have no hope, no dreams, no ambitions. My life is empty, devoid of meaning. I am lonely. What reason do I have to live? I sit here crying, trying to think and the only thing I can think of is that it would cause too much pain if I were gone. I’ve never entertained ideas of suicide, nor do I do so now but, I have to ask myself- what kind of life am I leading? I have nothing. I envy people who have dreams, who have a destiny. I envy people who have someone to love. I am lost and there is no direction in sight. I want to live, but I don’t know how.

Learning

Feb 20, 2000

The world moves slowly, so slowly and you sit and wait hoping that the revolutions will pass faster. Then it starts to spin too fast like a steam roller destroying everything in its path. You are the driver but you can’t seem to remember what buttons to press or which gears to change to make it slow down. Or, is it that you’ve only been pretending to know all along? I feel like I pretend so much in my life. I pretend to know things when I’ve never done them before. I pretend to know what people are thinking when I’ve never experienced what they’re going through. I pretend to know that I will succeed when, really, I have no idea and am frightened beyond belief. What is it that makes me think I will be successful? I think it’s because success breeds further success. I have thrived in the past and therefore, do not doubt that I will do so again. Engrained within me is the belief that I can do anything and be successful. But, it’s important to realize that this doesn’t mean that I don’t get scared. It doesn’t mean that I don’t fall down and get bruised; that I don’t falter. What it means is that I have the strength to pick myself back up, to try again, to learn from my mistakes. And that is what I believe makes me truly successful. I have the confidence to try new things, to make mistakes, to admit my short comings. Learning doesn’t end with school. To learn is to live, to live is to learn.

A dream

January 2000

“Because with an idea, determination and the right tools, you can do great things let your instincts, your intellect and your heart guide you.” Source unknown.

I wake up one morning having had a dream. Or perhaps it was a prophecy. Inspired, I reviewed the dream, gave it some thought and quickly filed it away in a corner of the darkest recesses of my mind thinking that it was in its place, never to resurface. Inspiration and prophecies do not die easily. They haunt you like a ghost that refuses to rest. They become an obsession, a nagging, horrible feeling that just won’t go away; an unrealized potential. I don’t have the strength yet to fulfill the dream I dreamt, but the dream won’t go away. What is right is very powerful. Do I try to live everyday trying to prepare to fill my destiny or is destiny now, this moment. Do I jump and take a chance.

Friendship

Dec 1999

I know that to give is the only way to receive. I know the joy I feel when I can bring a smile to someone’s face and the wonderful feeling of being there when a friend is in need. I love being a listener, letting people talk, to help them discover the answers. I know that I listen well because I listen a lot. People constantly seek me out to do so. Yet, it feels as though there is no one to listen to me. I have a well established network of friends who would sit and listen to my problems if I told them, but that would require that I know what my problems are.

I think that one of those problems is that I’m a loner. I quite often feel that I’m intruding on the world. I sometimes feel as though I’m trying to live life through the lives of my friends.

I am always the one who calls my friends. They very rarely call me. Don’t get me wrong, I came to the realization long ago that I would be the one to keep many of my friendships alive. I ask though, how do I know when I’ve gone too far and become a bother, a pain; someone that people dread calling back? Will I be perceptive enough to know or will I be so desperate for love and attention that I will be blinded? That, I think, is another of my problems. I am a person who needs to be surrounded by people who I can love and lavish attention on. I need people to love and to give me attention. But, not too much attention for I cannot be with any one person for too long because I find that I give too much energy to that person and do not receive enough energy back. Eventually that becomes emotionally and spiritually draining. I need to find my own source of energy- my passion. I need to invest my energy in myself through art and exercise. I know that theses are the answers. The question is do I have the drive and determination to start something new? Only time will give me the answer.

The rush of a new place

Nov 25, 1999

Walking down the street- lost. Adrenaline pumping- alone- in a city full of strangers. Walking- instinct my only guide. A sense of freedom- exhilarating. The thought that anything could happen- yet nothing does. It was new and exciting- a reminder of how things used to be- but it doesn’t last. A few days of nervous energy:life- then it all seems routine- ordinary. Another city conquered- another life lived. Soon it is home- comfortable, boring. There are still small challenges- small things never done before-new. But they are quickly overcome and are assimilated into daily life – mundane. Someone once remarked that everything is boring to Canadians- I wonder if that’s true. I’ve been, I’ve seen, I’ve grown bored. I’m an adrenaline junkie looking for my next hit. I move on- to what? Who knows- I don’t care

Driving

July 07, 1999

Driving in a van, watching the world pass by through the window, not a care in the world. Good friends, good times, great life. I could not ask for more. Yet, I do. Human instinct leads me to want a soul to share my life with. Someone to hold me at night and wake me up with kisses, lightly and softly.

Thoughts from the Past

I think that a good place to start this experience is to post what I would have written if I had had a blog in the past. This will give you a good idea of where I come from and where I've been.

Why a blog?

I believe that every life should be recognized and witnessed. We live in a world where it is really easy to not look anyone in the eye; to not connect with another person. We spend too much of our time avoiding others rather than finding ways to spend our precious time doing something worthwhile or rewarding. We've forgotten how to just be with another person; how to enjoy someone's company.


I'm at a stage in my life where my friends have all paired off and are nesting in their cozy world of two plus young. After showing due diligence in trying to find my own special life partner, I am, alas as of yet, unpartnered. As such, I have no one to bear witness to my daily life; no one to recognize the life that I'm leading. I have come to the blog to share my life with anyone who might be interesting in perusing these pages. However, and perhaps more importantly, but writing here, in a public forum, I am recognizing and valuing my own life, thoughts and emotions which can only be a good thing.

So, welcome to the world as I see it.