The Post

I just got back from seeing the movie 'The Post'.  What a great movie.  So interesting.

There are a few things that have struck me after watching this movie.  The first is that it is amazing how only 40 years ago, it was quite normal for it to be quite unfathomable for a woman to be the head of a company and how men were expected to make all the decisions.  Here was a woman, who had grown up in the company, and then had her father give the company to her husband.  It is only when her husband dies that she is given the chance to lead that which is her father's legacy.  She is questioned and doubted by all the men on her board, and investors shy away because they don't believe a woman will make them profits. 

Thank you women who came before me.  Thank you.  You have paved the way for women to shine, to take control, to be leaders.  You have given us a voice and the strength to use it.  I hope we will continue to use that voice as an ally to those whose voices are still silenced.

Students

It is amazing to me that even though I am not sure what my students are saying, it is blatantly obvious when they are being mean to another student.  Today, I watched one of my students laugh at another student.  I'm not sure why he was laughing at him.  If I had to guess it was because the first student is from a small town and has an accident.  The laughing student found this hilarious.  I found it incredibly mean.  Is it my job to teach these young adults how to be nice?  Is it my job to teach them compassion?  I am already teaching them the English language and Canadian culture.  When I don't know exactly what happened, it is difficult to really explore the issue.  Instead, I look at the laughing student and ask him if he is being kind.  He says he is laughing with his friend.  I look him in the eye and say that he should be kind and leave it at that.

Teaching is exhausting to me.  The drain of 20 students all requiring something from me.  This little introvert needs to find some new work.

I need to write things down

In my daily life- commuting on the train, teaching, talking with friends, I am constantly thinking of interesting things to write about.  Brilliant ideas (at least in my own mind).  Then I come home and sit down to write and I can't think of anything.  Time to carry around a little notebook, or even better, jot ideas down on my phone so I don't forget.

United or fall

I was thinking today about how many issues there in the world right now and it seems that each issue has its own group of people advocating for its improvement.  Indigenous rights, Black Lives Matter, Save the Whales...what if all of these groups came together for one common purpose- improving human life.  Let me be clear, I am in no way referring to money or GDP here.  I am talking about human happiness, fulfilment, sense of purpose and joy.  If we were all to focus on being our most authentic selves, it is amazing the things we could accomplish.  If we all stopped focusing on money- making and spending, then we would have time to live fully.  This idea of 'making a living' is a relatively new one.  Why does our culture insist on 'having jobs'?  It has been shown in indigenous cultures that they would spend 15 hours a week to acquire what they needed to survive and the rest of their time would be spent in leisure.  Consumption of natural resources would decrease.  Energy production could be greener because there wouldn't be this idea of increasing the GDP and making money off of production.  Animals could be saved because we wouldn't be destroying their habitats.  Racism and inequality might become a thing of the past. 

What cause might be strong enough to bring enough to bring us all together?  As Naomi Klein suggests, perhaps Global Warming is the one.  If we don't all start doing something to mitigate green house gases, there will be no people to fight for.

Baths

I have recently rediscovered the joy of the bath.  Growing up, we had a regular sized shower tub, but then in my early 20s my parents moved into a house with a soaker tub.  Oh my, what a difference those few inches of water make!  It was heavenly.  I eventually moved out and then they sold the house, so, no more soaks for me.  Most of my apartments had a shower stall, no tubs in sight.  It wasn't until my partner rented a hotel room with a soaker tub that I was reunited with my love for the soak.  So much so, that I started to plan a spa bathroom in our basement.  Not wanting to relegate me to the basement, and knowing that we already had two and a half baths just for the two of us, my partner very gallantly offered to give up his shower in the ensuite so that we could put in a soaker tub/spa bathroom.  Oh my goodness is it great.  There is nothing like walking into a room and feeling instantly calmer.  It took sitting in many tubs before I found the one I wanted and weeks of contractor renovations, but I now have my spa bathroom.

I love the way my body feels after a soak in the tub.  It is as though every muscle has relaxed, all tension released and I'm like a baby again, all gooey and pliable.  My soul likes the bath too.  I sit and do nothing, think nothing and just Be for 20 minutes, or 30 minutes, or an hour.  Life is good.

Home

Today it was -13 outside.  I found myself thinking that I  would not be strong enough, mentally or physically to be homeless.  How do people sit in this kind of cold without proper clothing or sleeping bags?  How do you muster up the mental strength to be outside in these temperatures?  I am grateful that I do not have to.  I am grateful that I have a home.  I am grateful that I am able to buy a winter coat and boots.  I am grateful that I do not have to be cold.

On a more flippant note- if I were to lose my home (touch wood), I would hope it would be summer and I would walk my way south and end up somewhere warmer.  There's no way I would be staying around Toronto.

I missed yesterday

Last night I went to hear Philip Shepherd talk about his new book Radical Wholeness.  I knew nothing about him before I went but am now really excited about and looking forward to reading his book.

I had two potential writing topics on the train this morning, but unfortunately I have forgotten both of them.  Therefore, I will forgo writing tonight with the hopes that I will be more inspired in the morning (look at me being gentle with myself- or am I just being lazy.  Either way, I'm going to bed.)

Over Educating

I have a couple of friends who are currently looking for jobs.  They are both quite competent in their fields and are in their late 30s early 40s.  While they have excellent work experience, they do not have certificates or degrees in the fields in which they work.  You see, their careers evolved over time.  Quite naturally, their work shifted and morphed into something different.  For one, it was a shift in direction, the other works in IT and as it changed, he changed with it.  Now that they are looking for jobs, they find that they are not even getting interviews.  I'd like to think that it's not because of their age, although that may be part of the reason.  I believe the greater issue is that they don't have diplomas or degrees in the field where they want to work.  Because of this, they are not even making it past the resume stage.  HR departments have been taught to look for certain degrees, diplomas and certificates and if they don't see those on the resume, they discard the candidate.  There is no longer any room for someone learning on the job or acquiring skills on their own.  It seems that somehow we equate having a certificate with having knowledge. 

Having just completed a Master's Degree in a program where if you paid your fees and completed the assignments you passed, I'm not sure that we should be putting so much faith in those pieces of paper, and essentially ignoring the human being behind the resume. Experience is worth so much more than a very expensive piece of paper. 

Education has become a business and as such it requires a market.  What better way to create a market than by convincing employers that candidates require a degree from your institution in order to qualify for the job?  And the fact is, that it isn't even the schools that are propagating this idea.  Somehow it has become a societal norm.  We have become an overeducated society, massively in debt and no longer produce people who are competent to do the work they have been so over educated to do.

English as Colonization

I teach ESL to foreign students.  These foreign students come from all over the world to learn English so that they can return to their countries and get better jobs.  Being able to afford to send you child to Canada or England or the States or Australia, is considered a status symbol and many parents are working 80-100 hours a week, sacrificing their health and wellbeing, so that their children can leave home to learn English.  When those children leave home, often at the age of 18 or younger, they pay international student fees which are significantly higher than the subsidized fees the local students pay.  Colleges and Universities see these students as a new revenue stream and are welcoming them in the thousands.  Nearly every college and university now has some kind of ESL program to prepare students to enter the program of their choice. 

What some of the students don't understand is that it takes time to learn a language.  What they especially don't understand is that it takes a LOT of time to learn enough of a language to go to school and learn in that language.  Academic English could be considered a dialect of English.  It is vastly different from the English we use in our day to day communications.  Many of these students arrive in Canada thinking that their English is strong enough to go directly into a college or university program only to find out that they are going to have to complete 2 months - 1.5 years of ESL training first.  And for most of them, their goal isn't to learn English, it is to get a degree or diploma from a Canadian school.  They see learning English as just something to get through as quickly as possible.

My question is- Why do they have to learn English?  How has English become the international language of business?  In this time of mass globalization, why aren't English speakers learning other languages?  Shouldn't it be us who have to learn to communicate in other languages?  Shouldn't we at least make an effort? 

I often apologize to my students that they have to learn English.  Claiming rights to English as the language of business and trade is just one more way of gaining power and control.  Until we realize that there is no need for power over, and that power with is a much better way to live, we will continue to struggle with violence and war.

Oprah for president

Last night was the Golden Globe awards, and Oprah gave an incredible speech.  Her speech was moving and powerful and she is a great leader.  However, that doesn't mean she would make a great president.  Politics is a game and like all games there are rules.  If you want to win the game, ie be a successful president, you need to know the rules so that you can bend or break them.  I have no doubt that Oprah would be an incredible figure head.  I believe that she would be good for the moral fibre of the United States.  She already is.  I do not think she would make a good president.  I believe that she would surround herself with intelligent people who know the rules (something Trump has not done).  I also believe that she would handle herself with dignity and composure when dealing with foreign dignitaries (again, something Trump has not done).  In the end though, I think she is more powerful with her current platform.  She can be and do whatever she wants. She doesn't have to worry about representing a party or currying favour with the people.  She doesn't have to accept money from corporations or corrupt businesses and definitely doesn't have to listen to lobbyists.  She can influence the people without any strings attached.  A president should be someone who has come up through the system, who knows the rules and knows how to manipulate the system for the benefit of all.  Obama was that kind of president.  He knew the rules, played the game and came out a winner.  We need another Obama- perhaps Michelle?

Being Gentle with myself

Making new habits is difficult.  I apparently am not very good at it.  I missed writing yesterday and it's 11:00 at night right now and I'm just sitting down to write having almost forgotten.

Really, 20 minutes a day should not be that difficult, yet, it is.  There are other things to do.  We are just finishing a renovation of a couple of rooms in our house, and I have been focused on getting that done.  Then next week, classes start up again so, I will be tired, have marking to do and I'm also determined to get back to healthy eating.  All of this takes time.  That said, writing is a priority for me, so, I will continue to make the effort to write daily.

This is where being gentle with myself comes in.  I have to be kind to myself if I miss a day, or don't feel like writing.  It does no good beating myself up, or setting such rigid expectations that I feel horrible if I don't write.  I show kindness to others when they struggle, so why is it so difficult to be loving and kind to myself?

Predetermination

I've been thinking about what I believe to be a Buddhist philosophy- the idea that before we are born, we choose what family, time and place we are going to be born into.  For me this is a comforting thought, that where I am was a conscious choice and that where others are was also their choice.  It give reason and purpose to the life we are living.  Pre-birth, we got together with our advisors and helpers and this is the life that we choose to live.  Along with this comes the idea that there are things we mean to accomplish in this lifetime, and we choose the family because we believe they can help us with that goal in some way.

It is a lovely thought, but is it just that?  Where did this idea come from?  It resonates well with me, and I feel that it is the truth but is that only because it gives me some sense of control in a senseless world?

Day Four- privilege revisited

I'm sure there will be many more posts about privilege.  It is such a deep and important topic.

I realized recently that it is only by going outside one's 'group' that one can actually see one's privilege.  If I had stayed within my group of friends or sphere of influence, I could never have seen the privilege I have.  At the same time, I want to be clear that it is not anyone else's responsibility to show us our privilege, we must discover that on our own.  We cannot burden another group with that responsibility, especially as they are working very hard to level the playing field.  Lesser privileged groups should not be responsible for having to break through our privilege.  We need to open our eyes and learn.  There is enough for everyone.  We don't have to 'give up' our privilege.  Instead, we make those privileges open to everyone.  We make opportunity a universal thing.

I like to think of a conversation I once had with someone about unions.  At the time, I saw unions as a bunch of lazy workers who liked to complain a lot.  It seemed to me that they didn't want to work hard but still wanted to be paid extremely well for taking all their breaks and not working extra hours.  I saw union workers who took advantage of the fact that it was difficult to fire them and therefore, the standards of their work may not have been as high as would be expected.  This all changed when the school I was working at decided to unionize.  At the time, it was one of the only language schools in Toronto that paid a good wage, offered staff job stability and a pay grid, and provided benefits.  This was all about to change as the school was bought by a company that had low wages and no job stability.  As the teachers went through the unionization process, I still felt that the union wasn't the way to go.  That the teachers should just accept that this was the new reality.  It was at this time that I sat down with one of my coworkers and they shared this wisdom with me.  He said that unions exist to protect the rights of workers and that it is because of unions that we have paid breaks and over time pay.  He pointed out that the conditions in which union workers work should be the conditions of all workers and that we should strive for the highest standards for all workers and that we shouldn't be dragged down to the lowest standard.  That last part stuck with me.  We should strive for all workers to have the highest standard of working conditions and not work towards the lowest acceptable standards.  That made a lot of sense to me.  Instead of being jealous of the high wages, long vacations, job stability and health benefits of the union worker, we should work toward every worker having those same conditions. (I will leave the conversation about the neoliberal agenda for another day, but learning about neoliberal politics was another eye opener for me)

So, when it comes to privilege, we should strive to bring everyone up.  This means that those of us with privilege must be open to the idea that everyone can have the same privilege and world will not fall apart.  It also means that we must be allies to those without privilege and work with them to meet their needs, not our need to feel good about ourselves (which is what happens in a lot of community development situations- a topic for another day)

Day Three

Today I'm too tired to write about anything of significance.  I had a lovely day but for some reason am exhausted tonight, so I thought I would create a list of topics for future writing.

1.  Why is Valentine's and Easter candy appearing in grocery stores on Jan 02?
2.  The importance of learning about neoliberalism
3.  Science as a new religion
4.  The use of lack of scientific evidence as reason to disprove something as true
5.  How the stories we tell ourselves create our truths
6.  How and why it became so difficult to eat to nourish our bodies
7.  How schools just don't work anymore
8.  What would a utopian society look like?
9.  Monsanto and other agrochemical companies and their effects on food and health
10.  Women coming together in circle
11.  The politics of teaching ESL
12.  Being a contract teacher in the college system
13.  Unions- what I thought then vs now



Well, I guess I'm going to have to come up with a lot more topics if I'm going to write for 365 days.  I hope something comes to me or else this is going to be a really boring journal. 

Day Two- Missed it

Ok, so apparently I am not very good at this daily writing thing.  I guess that gives me lots of room for improvement!

Last night, I chose to go to Lowe's and the grocery store and then to finish making soup, and completely forgot to write.  So, today, I will write twice.  Once this morning, and then, tonight after dinner. (I was going to write 'that is unless I forget' but in the spirit of manifesting that which you think, I will leave it as 'I will write tonight after dinner')

I have been reflecting on how much my thinking has changed over the last three years.  I went into my Masters thinking that I was pretty self aware and came out recognizing that my awareness was tampered by my privilege.  I recognized that I was blessed and had a very good life.  From travelling around the world and seeing how other people live, I recognized that being Canadian offered ease and comfort.  I recognized that I was from an upper-middle class family who gave me everything I ever wanted.  What I didn't recognize was how those things influenced the way I move through life. 

Because of where I came from and who I am, I have always known that I would be successful in whatever I did.  I am a white, upper middle class, intelligent female and the only way I could have more privilege would be if I were male (or a queen).  As a girl, I lived a sheltered life in the suburb of Pickering, where I had the best teachers, a small class size and opportunities to explore whatever I was interested in.  My parents were able to offer me any after school programs I wanted and so explored dance, gymnastics, swimming, roller skating, knitting, pottery, drama, tennis, racquet ball...the list goes on.  I never wanted for anything.  I could have ended up a spoiled brat with no respect for what I had, but my mother worked really hard to keep me grounded.  Thank you mom.

As a result of growing up in the place I did, with the resources that were presented to me, embedded in me was a sense that the world was my oyster.  I could do, and be whatever I wanted.  I was free.

I didn't understand why everyone didn't feel that way.  I could understand the limitations put on people in developing countries and that they would have to work harder to overcome them, but that's all I thought they had to do- was to work hard and to lift themselves out of poverty.  That was the line that I was fed.  Work hard and you succeed.  If you are not succeeding, you must be lazy or there's something wrong with you.  I truly believed this.  It was engrained within me.  So, I looked at people in Canada, who I wrongly believed had all the same privilege that I had, and couldn't understand why they weren't thriving.  It wasn't until I was exposed to the ideas of social justice that I began to understand what life could be like.  I don't suppose that I will ever fully understand what it's like to come from a place without privilege.  How could I?  But I think my eyes and my heart are now a little more open than they used to be.  I don't plan on closing them again.

Day one almost didn't happen

I almost didn't write tonight.  It's 9:44 and I just remembered that I wanted to write.  Not an auspicious start, but it takes time to create a habit.

For the most part, the new year has started off on a good note.  Last night was lovely, all cozy in our house, sharing a kiss at the stroke of midnight.  Then, as I lay sleeping, the migraine crept in.  Some may see that as a bad sign.  I prefer to think of it as all the toxicity slipping out into the night, leaving my body forever.  I have resolved to let go of that which no longer serves me.

A card reading from Michelle Scrimgeour-Brown says: 

"You don’t believe yourself to be someone who holds a grudge. I can agree with this assessment because you don’t carry malice in your heart for the experiences of your past. You do, however, remember pretty much everything. From time to time, you bring out the stories of pain or injustice; you share your traumatic history. And while it is true that you are not your story, there is a different reason now why you must let go.By holding on to these stories — by carrying them as part of why you are amazing — you continue to inflict that initial pain on yourself. I’m sure you’ve heard that resentment is like taking poison yourself and expecting the other person to die; the reason that this is true is because it is you who suffers in the recalling. And you diminish just how amazing you really are because the stories of your making dull your shine."

I do hold on to things.  I remember all of the times I've disappointed people and all the times I've done something wrong.  It is time to let those things go and to not relive them over and over.  

After waking up from a drug induced sleep (remember the migraine), I had a healthy breakfast and put some healthy onion soup into the crock pot for dinner and off I went to do some authentic movement.  What a wonderful way to settle into your body and to touch your subconscious.  Moving without agenda or judgement.  Letting the body decide how it wants to be held, carried, moved or not moved.  It can be incredibly enlightening.  Today, it was reaffirmed that all the work I've been doing over the last three years has brought me to a place where I have healed and am ready to move forward into my true self, my authentic being.  I'm excited to discover who that is. 

I had a dream a few weeks ago where I was travelling down a road and in the middle of the road was a giant hole.  I couldn't go any further as there was no way around the hole.  Upon reflection in the morning, it came to me that the hole was the healing work that I am supposed to be doing.  As a Reiki master once told me, because I am not consciously doing healing work, my body is sending it's energy out to do healing work without my knowing it.  I think that I am now ready to consciously give healing but I do not yet know what that is going to look like.  I'm pretty sure it's not Reiki, although that is close.  I know it has something to do with nature and animals and healing of the earth.  I'm excited about what it will be and sit open to possibilities.